Sweet Nothing by Calvin Harris featuring Florence Welch.

I have been playing this song over and over.  It reminds me of you.  I am not sure that is a good thing.  It definitely says things I feel and things I am too afraid to voice because I am not even sure I have the right to voice them.  Either way, these lyrics remind me of you.  I guess take what you will from them.

You took my heart and you held it in your mouth, and with a word all my love came rushing out, and every whisper, it’s the worst, emptied out by a single word.  There is a hollow in me now.  So I put my faith in something unknown (I’m living on such sweet nothing), but I’m tired of hope with nothing to hold (I’m living on such sweet nothing), and it’s hard to learn, and it’s hard to learn, you’re giving me such sweet nothing, sweet nothing, sweet nothing, you’re giving me such sweet nothing.  It isn’t easy for me to let it go, cause I’ve swallowed every single word, and every whisper, every sigh, eats away at this heart of mine.  There is a hollow in me now.  So I put my faith in something unknown (I’m living on such sweet nothing), but I’m tired of hope with nothing to hold (I’m living on such sweet nothing), and it’s hard to learn, and it’s hard to learn, you’re giving me such sweet nothing, sweet nothing, sweet nothing, you’re giving me such sweet nothing.  And it’s not enough to tell me that you care when we both know your words are empty air.  You give me nothing, nothing… sweet nothing, sweet nothing.

All This & Heaven Too, Florence + the Machine.

And the heart is hard to translate, it has a language of its own.  It talks in tongues and quiet sighs, in prayers and proclamations, in the grand days of great men in the smallest of gestures, in short shallow gasps.  But with all my education, I can’t seem to command it.  And the words are all escaping me and coming back all damaged.  And I would put them back in poetry, if I only knew how.  I can’t seem to understand it and I would give all this and heaven too, I would give it all if only for a moment that I could just understand the meaning of the word, you see, because I’ve been scrawling it forever, but it never makes sense to me, at all.  And it talks to me on tiptoes, and sings to me inside, it cries out in the darkest night, and breaks in the morning light.  But with all my education, I can’t seem to command it.  And the words are all escaping me and coming back all damaged.  And I would put them back in poetry, if I only knew how.  I can’t seem to understand it and I would give all this and heaven too, I would give it all if only for a moment that I could just understand the meaning of the word, you see, because I’ve been scrawling it forever, but it never makes sense to me, at all.  And I would give all this and heaven too, I would give it all if only for a moment that I could just understand the meaning of the word, you see, because I’ve been scrawling it forever, but it never makes sense to me, at all.  No words, a whole language, doesn’t deserve such treatment, and all of my stumbling phrases never amounted to anything worth this feeling.  All this heaven… never could describe such a feeling as I hear… words were never so useful so I’m screaming out a language that I never knew existed before.

“Shake It Out” by Florence and the Machine.

Regrets collect like old friends, here to relive your darkest moments.  I can see no way, I can see no way.  And all of the ghouls come out to play.  And every demon wants his pound of flesh, but I like to keep some things to myself.  I like to keep my issues strong.  It’s always darkest before the dawn.  And I’ve been a fool, and I’ve been blind, and I can never leave the past behind.  I can see no way, I can see no way.  I’m always dragging that horse around.  And our love has pastured such a mournful sound.  Tonight I am going to bury that horse in the ground.  Cause I like to keep my issues strong.  It’s always darkest before the dawn.  Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah…shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah.  And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off, oh woah.  And I am done with my graceless heart, so tonight I’m going to cut it out and then restart.  Cause I like to keep my issues strong, it’s always darkest before the dawn.  Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah…shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah.  And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off, oh woah.   And given half the chance would I take any of it back?  It’s a final mess but it’s left me so empty.  It’s always darkest before the dawn…Oh woah, oh woah…And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t, so here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road.  And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope.  It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat, cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me, looking for heaven, for the devil in me… well what the hell, I’m gonna let it happen to me.  Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah…shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah.  And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off, oh woah.  Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah…shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah.  And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off, oh woah.

Insomnia by Electric President.

There’s a light bulb dangling from string.  It’s slowly swaying up over my head now as I jot down the words that’ll never be sung, and wait for my headache to numb.  And the wind sounds as if the world’s sighing, and the moon’s just a torn fingernail, as the TV flickers and hums by the wall.  And I wait for my eyesight to fade.  So, so, so, it’s so damn slow.  So, so, so, it’s so damn slow.  And the bright-eyed choke on ambition, and the old folks circle their graves, and the young ones are busy destroying their names, and you’re still just wasting away.  I sit and watch the screen for a message, some kinda sign that says we’re okay, but the screen stays blank till I turn the thing off, and wait for my conscience to break.  o, so, so, it’s so damn slow.  So, so, so, it’s so damn slow.  I hope you’re learning to listen, and I hope you’re learning to stay, and I hope you find what you’re missing, and I hope that you’re making you’re way.  I’m a head case if I don’t keep moving, and my head hurts if I don’t sit still.  It’s an itch that I’ll never stop scratching; it’s a hole that I’ll never quite fill.  So…

Moving toward home.

There are times you have to run on impulse.  You have to know it is the right time, the right moment, and go.  You have to say everything you need to say, and you have to act.  Though I love to give thought to things, and I have (probably more than I realize), I am taking a step, moving forward, and after five months trying to plant my feet, I decided I am meant to run, and run I shall.  I have goals, and I will be working towards those goals.  I know who and what I want, and I will be moving towards that image, that reality.  These actions now will make me a stronger individual, they will prepare me for the rough road I know is before me.  I am taking that step, moving toward that goal, and I am going to live every day without regret in this decision.  Are you ready?  Because I know I am.

“Welcome Home” by Radical Face:

Sleep, don’t visit; so I choke on sun and the days blur into one, and the backs of my eyes hum with things I’ve never done.  Sheets are swaying from an old clothesline, like a row of captured ghosts over old dead grass; was never much but we made the most… welcome home.  Ships are launching from my chest.  Some have names but most do not, if you find one, please let me know what piece I’ve lost.  Heal the scars from off my back, I don’t need them anymore, you can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars.  I’ve come home.  All my nightmares escaped my head.  Bar the door, please don’t let them in.  You were never supposed to leave, now my head’s splitting at the seams, and I don’t know if I can… Here, beneath my lungs, I feel your thumbs press into my skin again.

Take a breath and run…

I have found a song that speaks to me so clearly.  It’s called “And Run” by He is We.  Here are a few lyrics I absolutely love:

‎”…kind of wish I had the courage, a bit of bravery; so tired of waiting on a man to come and save me, wishing I had everything, well, something really, hard to admit it, but now I’m thinking freely; I’m going to open my mind to all these new-found, exciting possibilities; I’m making all my own plans, throwing all my old ones away, I got to grow up, be someone, draw a map, find a path, take a breath and run…”

Give me the courage, the strength, the bravery, to move forward in my life.  I can do it.  I will do.

“Bruises and scrapes, our life’s mistakes are nothing but bad weather.”

Mutual does not mean easy.  It means both agreed.  It’s definitely not easy.  It’s frightening.  And it really makes you examine and self-reflect.  I have listened to music today and I found a song while going through my 16 days worth of music that I thought was perfect: “Free of Me” by Joshua Radin.  I am consumed with a couple of songs lately, one being Florence + the Machine’s “Cosmic Love,” now “Free of Me” by Joshua Radin, and “Good for Great” by Matt & Kim.  The Matt & Kim song has more of a hopeful note to it.  It’s not as self-examining as the others, but it does have great lyrics.  And some energetic and fun music.