I think I am at a crossroads. I need to make some decisions and I truly do not know if I can swallow my fear and take the leap I believe is right. I want to go back to school. I desperately wish it. I want to study public policy or women’s rights, try to combine these interests with my writing. It’s hard to imagine what I want to do in life because aside from living by my pen, nothing sounds appealing. But, despite writing and trying to keep up sufficient practice in that art, there are some days where I drop like a dead weight from all the physical and emotional stresses of the day. I have a paycheck, and it’s easy to succumb to comfort, giving in to the knowledge that I will have another paycheck, and another, and another… what will it take to break me from that pattern, and take a step towards creating something new and better for myself.
I have never been good at climbing out of the ditch, so to speak. I get stuck in a rut and even though I know I have to move forward, anxiety, fear, and stress all consume me until they paralyze me and I stay repeating over and over the actions that made me unhappy. It’s always inevitable that something happens to tear me from the cycle, and it is usually something life altering and scarring. I just wish it wouldn’t get to that point. And believe me, I know I have the power to change it or create the change that needs to happen. But there is something inside me that gets tongue-tied and immobilized by fear. And now, this instant, what stops me from moving forward is the lack of confidence in myself. I worry that I don’t have what it takes to get a certain job, to apply and get into a graduate program, or to even pack up and move. I have a life, though I can admit that there are parts I wish were drastically different, but it’s a life, it’s something, it’s independent. I truly don’t believe that is enough to sustain me mentally, intellectually, and emotionally anymore, though. I need a challenge, I need to grow, I need to continue towards certain goals. I feel like I have stalled in my progress.
The ultimate goal for me still lies in Portland. It’s one of the few places, like Chicago, that has called to me as a place to live, to settle, to start a life. Everywhere else seems like passing glances. I need to make sure, though, that once I am in Portland that I will have the money to plant those roots and the wherewithal to get a job or start a business to help water those roots and help them blossom into something truly wonderful. Despite knowing that is what I want, the road feels like it is getting longer and longer until I reach my destination. And without a doubt, it is the most frustrating thing in my life now.
They say, whoever they are, and I agree, that good habits are hard to come by, and bad ones are hard to break. We are naturally inclined to do what is easy, and what is easy is not always right. It is also said that the things in life worth having do not come easy, that we must work to achieve our goals, which will then make the outcome that much more satisfying when we finally accomplish what we set out to do. These lessons are important. The tutelage of time and life experience are priceless assets when growing as an individual. Every time you fall, you should do everything in your power to stand back up, and keep trudging on. There are so many things worth moving towards. It is important to keep that at the heart of every action you do. I know I sometimes forget, I sometimes let negative emotion carry too much weight, and I know I have let fear lead me on occasion, and it is usually those occasions that have cost me dearly emotionally.
I just have to remind myself to dig, take deep breaths, and to never stop moving forward, no matter how comfortable I might feel in the present, and no matter how scared I am to take a step into the unknown. I think daily affirmations are a spectacular idea, and I wish I said mine with more conviction than what I feel. I just need to remember that strength cannot come from anywhere but from within, and it is I who has to take the first step towards my future, not someone else. I can make opportunities, I can embody the change I want to see, and I shouldn’t sit and wait for the few and far between moments.