I was re-reading some posts of mine and realized that none of you know who “you” is. There are times when I leave messages to those I know read this blog, and therefore will write some cryptic message like, “Thank you – you know who you are – for doing…”. But then I started to think, what if YOU doesn’t know who YOU is. What if YOU think it’s HIM, but really it’s HER or maybe even YOU, but you’re too busy thinking that it can’t be YOU and really, really, really think it’s HIM. I try to make it obvious, but there have been moments when I know YOU didn’t know it was YOU because you pretty much said so when you talked to me, making me believe you thought it was HER or HIM.
Pronouns are tricky. But, I don’t always want to say who it is. There are secrets in my life still, things I hold close to my heart. I know I share quite a bit on here. I wrote out the heartbreaking experience of ending a five year relationship, an engagement, on this blog, and did so without much care in the world, because quite honestly, it was the only thing that made me feel semi-sane. I know he reads this blog, or he said as much when we last discussed it. And I know it has to pain him to see the realizations that I come to. I imagine it hurts him just as much as it hurts me to realize things long buried, things I would rather not admit to, things that define me as a person, and a not-so-good one at that. But in those moments of self-realization I have made leaps and bounds in discovering who I am and what I hope to become. And because of that, I thank you for putting up with my biographical rantings and awakenings, even when I am sure they pain you to read. And this time, I hope I have made it clear who “YOU” is.
Though it seems like I am writing freely for the world to read my most inner thoughts, there are still things I keep close to my heart. Things I refuse to share. These are the things that give me light in the darkness. That soft glow that I keep tending, so it will roar to life. To quote a video-game, “Hope is what gives us strength.” Fragile at first, brittle and weak, it can grow to be a beacon in the darkest times. 2011 was a dark year. It saw the end of a cherished relationship, the death of two very important people, work troubles, a cross country move, and a variety of other negatives. But it also brought the desire to be happy, the hope that I can be, with myself and the life I chose, and the chance to become self-sufficient and follow dreams to fruition. I once asked how much do you give of yourself in a relationship? I gave so much of myself that I didn’t even know who I was when I looked in the mirror. I was, for all definitions, Jonathan’s fiance, to everyone we knew in Davis. Though it was not noticed by Jonathan, I was all too aware of the fact that many introduced me as, “Jonathan’s fiance, Stephanie…” leading with his name, and a title solely glued to him. Though I cherish my memories with him, and I hold them close to my heart, I cannot lie and say that I am relieved to have the chance to find out about myself and define myself on my terms. I am Stephanie. I may stand alone in that, but there is a freedom, a strength, found in truly discovering who you are and what you are. I hold on to that, and that is why I am thanking 2011. Through trials, tribulations, deaths, and romances ending, this year has been a great teacher in self (thought, action, definition, and discovery).
I hope YOU have a better understanding of who YOU is when I write to YOU. There are times when it is to YOU, but it can also be to HER or HIM or any number of pronouns and to any number of people who have impacted my life and touched me, taught me, or loved me. Or who I love. And also realize, there are things that this blogosphere will not know. Secrets that I hold close to me, that light the path when I look around and see darkness. To the numerous YOUs out there, know YOU are part of that warming glow.