I am a big ball of anxious worry right now. Imagine me vibrating around my room with unspent negative energy. I woke up this morning and immediately tensed when I saw I had a missed call and voicemail from Jonathan. My heart started beating in double time as I began to dial my mailbox. What could this mean? He said he would call if something happened to Dave, other than that he wanted a break in communication via phone. Could this be about Dave or maybe he wants to talk about something, anything, else. My heart began to sink as soon as the voicemail began to play. “Hey, I don’t know if this is your number anymore since you don’t have your message anymore, but if it is I just wanted to let you know that I am in Salt Lake City right now, my dad is in the hospital…”
Dave is in the intensive care unit. He had a pretty severe fever and Kay brought him in because they could not control it. Turns out there is an infection that has caused him to become septic. The whole family is gathering in Salt Lake. I can feel the cords of my muscles bunching, aching to move about with this negative, anxious energy. Except the idea of moving, the idea of stretching or running, or exhausting this supply seems inadequate. It feels like the movement will just become this cyclical thing where I will be burning with exhaustion and still have the mental part. I will be thinking, thinking, thinking and waiting, waiting, waiting to hear from Jonathan, to know what the next step is. My mental and emotional self bubbling over words and feelings the way a volcano spews hot lava. The most I feel like doing is sitting very still and trying to control this energy.