Ganged up.

I feel the universe decided to gang up on me today.  If something could go wrong, it did, all throughout the day.  In my new job I only got one sign up.  And it was for ten dollars.  I worked with two guys and they managed to stop every gay man and young girl, and those demographics just passed me by (and we were in an area where the main demographics were gay men and young women).  I feed well off the energy of other women.  We manage to build a camaraderie and we play off one another.  With the guys, I felt uncomfortable and odd.  Their way of canvassing differed drastically than anything I had done in the past week.  I was the weak link, and it made me feel like shit.  They did nothing to imply that, if anything they were overly encouraging, but I could not get a stop that was willing to give.  And after a while, all three of us could not get a stop, period.

Add into the mix that I heard from Jonathan, and that in and of itself is like a punch in the gut.  Sprinkle in discussion on his father, add a dash of insecurity, and combine with walking in the door to find more of your belongings sent from the horrible state of California, and you have about where I was twenty minutes ago.  Now I am just beyond devastated because when I opened the package, the transportation destroyed some of my valued possessions from friends and family.  One to the point of being a fine dust.  And that is the cherry on top of my shit day sundae.  I had such high hopes for today.  I was confident I was going to make a fifty today, and not just a ten.  I felt it oozing out of me this morning.  And it just went downhill from there.  When there is the smallest chink in your armor, it is so easy for the rust to set in.

Being paired up with two guys I had never even seen or talked to was not beneficial.  That is not to say I could not overcome it.  Before lunch I was stopping one person after another, building rapport, but still unable to get sign ups.  It seemed like after lunch the seams began to unravel and my mind started to lose focus and my confidence shattered like my possessions.  I heard from Jonathan right when I got back from lunch.  I honestly believe I let psychological warfare kick my ass this afternoon.  Tyler, one of the guys I was working with, began asking questions about me – where did I live, what led me to this job, how come I wasn’t in the city, how come I left California – and after hearing from Jonathan it felt like the small shards of pain just started poking through and it killed whatever positivity I had.  It was a struggle to smile.  And when you are no longer smiling, not many people want to approach you.  Or have you approach them.  What few post-lunch stops I did have felt forced.  I would make at least three rebuttals until I would get to a point of being down-trodden and fed up.

I keep wondering what is preventing me from having more sign-ups.  I practice my pitch with each supervisor (and co-workers) and they tell me what needs to improve.  They then stand by and listen when I make my pitches to people and they tell me I did well, they again say what can improve and when they hear my next pitch, they know I took their advice.  I know I did not make a very good impression on Tyler today because there was a part of me that felt like it was dying as the day progressed.  It’s hard to feel confident in yourself when your past catches up with you, especially a past that makes you question your beauty, your intelligence, and your overall worth.  I just could not have a bad day today, and I did.  (And I don’t want another one.)

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