The last week has been, simply put, amazing. As I mentioned before, it feels like the puzzle pieces are falling into place. It’s no longer just the border, but the image I am constructing is the one on the cover. It feels like my life, not my life in relation to someone else. Every time I look back I amaze myself at the extent to which I gave up me, my personality, my loves, my passions, for a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, there is a certain give and take. That is part of being in a relationship. But when one person completely re-molds herself to fit, that is just unhealthy. That is immaturity, as well, I think. No doubt in my mind that I was one half of whole that made up an immature, naïve duo. So many years of being part of a relationship behind me, and for the first time in a long time I feel a sense of freedom.
I was talking to a friend of mine and he commented that being single is all fine and dandy, you begin to discover a sense of self, and you become stronger in who you are and what you want, but if you settle too far on that side of the spectrum, the idea of becoming a couple is beyond terrifying. I am already there, though. There were so many things involved in the demise of Jonathan and I’s relationship that I have soured on the experience. I think it would take someone special to convince me otherwise. I still get hackles when things begin to feel too real. There is an ever-present fear. Part of me clings to that fear and I use it as a defense weapon, but then there is a part of me that despises its influence on me. I want to take the necessary steps, put the left foot in front of the right, but I feel like a drunk trying to walk a straight line. I feel off-balance, weaving, in my mind, back and forth between the pros and cons of opening up my heart. I know there are positives, but I feel, all too acutely, the negatives.
Right now my concentration is on my business side. I am attempting to become a full-fledged entrepeneur and market myself as a writer you want to hire for music reviews, recommendations, and up-to-date news (concert news, not gossip mill fodder, I am NOT Star magazine). This week there have been leaps and bounds in that area. I interviewed, and got, an internship with Metro Chicago. I am in contact with a woman who has done band promotions for 9+ years. I have interviews for different event planning companies. And yesterday I received an e-mail from Jet Black Sunrise to do an album review of their LP, Falling. My interests are taking center stage. I am relishing in them.
And thanks to my friends, I also have been in a very carpe diem mindset. No doubt in my mind that if I continue to think positive, and seize the fish, that things will continue down this path. And now, there isn’t anything more I could ask for. And I am so happy with that.