Just a few random thoughts: there are moments in life where you feel like nothing but a fool. You run so fast and so far from a certain behavior and then you find yourself feeling confident you left it behind only to realize that you are staring at it, dead in the eye, again. How does that happen? Has anyone had experiences like that? You think that maybe, just maybe, this time is different, but then it, that thing you ran from whether it be a personality type or behavior, hits you; the same old shit, just a different day.
The other morning I woke up with a few thoughts simmering in my mind. Somehow I was back in high school. In the hazy dawn where you are somewhere between sleep and awake, I had this very specific scene replaying itself. In high school, most of the guys I dated were not from my school. I selectively excluded myself from activities at school not only because I was choosing the guy over the well-being and social prosperity of myself, but also because I instinctively felt disconnected from everything Carmel High School was. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the school. I think it prepared me well for future endeavors and it was well worth the money and “beginning anew” that was given up to the educational gods. I just did not feel that “ra-ra-cis-boom-bah” and Corsair pride. I loved the football season and that was about it. Okay, and maybe my English and History classes. I lucked out with my teachers on that account.
The moment I had circling my thoughts was at the beginning of my senior year. I had broken up with an ex-boyfriend who was in every way, shape, and form, bad for me. He was mentally and physically abusive and emotionally I felt torn, gutted if you will, from the demise of the relationship. You see, I still desperately wanted him. Not because he was the great love of my life (though I did lose my virginity to him), but because I honest-to-God thought that nothing better was ever going to come my way. I had been emotionally cut down enough to believe that at sixteen I had peaked and would never find a man who would want to put up with me, let alone love me. Throughout my junior year of high school I had fallen into some negative habits, the worst of which was self-harming. I would scratch and occasionally cut.
Most people know what cutting is. Using some implementation to slice the skin and watch as the blood would flow. I have read that some cutters produced an emotional reaction from witnessing the blood. My habit is not necessarily tied in with the sight of blood (although when I did cut, it was definitely a kind of release, euphoric almost), but more in the searing and burning sensation associated with the pain of skin fibers being torn away and apart. I would grow out my nails and then I would sit there and scratch. The effect was very similar to how your knee looks after you fall off your bike; ripped, shredded, torn apart; not clean lines but gashes that oozes pus. My parents found out two ways. My sister suspected and confronted me. She said she wouldn’t tell if I stopped, but if she saw anymore scars or anymore evidence, mum was no longer the word. She caught me again and said something to my mom and I denied, denied, denied. That is until a gash on my ankle became infected to the point where I needed antibiotics. The secret was out.
Except I had one more teeny, tiny secret. I began taking over the counter sleeping pills, motion sickness pills, large quantities of Tylenol to feel a fleeting high. Or to sleep at all. I have always had this issue. I still have this issue. I have worked on it, but I am not going to deny desperately desiring a handful of Unisom just to take the edge off. Edge off of what? Everything and anything. There is a desperate desire in me to control feelings. When I do open the gates up it is like a swirling black hole comes alive in my chest. It just sucks everything in. There is a numbness that you feel with alcohol and drugs that does not make that black hole feel so large and destructive. It’s almost as if you can control the amount it eats. But without those “helpers” when the hole opens, everything, and I mean everything – happiness, sadness, anger, lust – gets sucked in, consumed, and it just disappears.
Well, all of this entered my thoughts the other day. It had its desired effect in that it made me bummed. But it also got me thinking about certain people and certain behaviors and I began to evaluate different relationships and friendships I have and had. And I’m shocked, and definitely appalled, to discover that I have fallen into my high school trappings. I am living at home and I feel like maybe I have turned back into the sixteen-year-old I once was. Certain relationships are cancerous. They spread like the disease, infecting different aspects of your life and psyche. Looking in the mirror becomes no easy feat because there is a part of you that knows it is no good, it knows that in the end you will be nothing but hurt and sobbing on the floor. You pray you are wrong, but as the time passes after the first realization and nothing comes to disprove your theory, your thought, your assumption, it just feels like a physical pain, a punch to the tit, that you were in the spider’s web yet again, waiting for the fangs to sink in. But at least this time you came to and have allowed yourself a chance at freedom.
In the chaos of today I managed to begin reading my Harper’s Bazaar with Lady Gaga on the cover. While flipping through the pages I came across the horoscope. I have mixed feelings on horoscopes. There is a part of me that feels they are relatively dead-on. I find a certain kind of romance in astrology and other more “mystical” things like fate and destiny. I also know that there isn’t a lot of stock, evidence, proof (whatever you will) in those practices. My horoscope said (P.S. I am a Gemini): “Your social life buzzes, and your ability to enhance others’ lives is amazing. If it’s love you seek, friends can be the key to meeting your mate, with the 11th holding promise. A zealous, pioneering energy allows you to make your mark. If your career direction is shifting, go with your gut.” I usually never really “see” the horoscope. There are these open-ended comments that you can pin to a part of your life and say, “Ahhh, yes, it was right!” But this is the first time that I have looked at every word and felt it resonate with me. And it is making me second guess my feelings as described above. I am still not convinced. This is not the big sign or overture I was looking for or hoping for. It leaves more questions in my mind than answers. While I think I should just walk away, there is a part of me that is stubborn and determined to stay and wait a bit longer. It’s getting dark and the wolves are coming, but I tug my red cape and hood closer, sheltering me from the cool of the night. I just hope I make up my mind before they devour me, once again.