I am having an up and down week. It’s not fun. It’s like living on an emotional roller coaster… from hell. Speaking of “from hell,” I hope everyone is having a wonderful rapture. I wonder how many Jesus look-alikes are out today scaring the shit out of people. Or how many people decided this could be a second Halloween and painted themselves up like zombies. If you feel like you need education on how to survive the rapture, you should watch Zombieland. There are some amazing rules to follow in there. And don’t forget to search for the Twinkies. And Bill Murray. He’s not a zombie. DO NOT SHOOT.
I usually don’t lead these entries with as many one liners as this one, but I am desperately trying to ease my mind and make light of certain situations. I am anxious and emotional because my mom is in the emergency room. For the past week (and longer, though it’s been particularly bad this week) she has had this pain at the top of her leg/groin area. She will get these immensely painful electric shocks that wake her from sleep or cause her to turn ashen and begin sweating. She asked my aunt about these pains, and me, because both of us have had similar things. My aunt and I suggested that she get it looked at because it sounded like what happened to the both of us when diagnosed with ovarian cysts and growths. My mom is usually calm headed and casual when it comes to health concerns in herself. When she gets sick, she gets sick, but she rarely sees doctors or goes to the ER because she always believes it’s nothing, that she’ll get through it, that time is the best medicine. So, with her going to not only a doctor, but now the emergency room, it’s causing my heart to beat faster and worry prickles up my arms and legs.
Not too long ago a family friend received the diagnosis of ovarian cancer, and I know that my mom has thought about that. She told me as much last night. If it is a growth, the pain may be a pinched nerve, or irritation from its movement. I know when I had my first ovarian surgery, I had a very similar pain and that was what caused me to seek medical attention. It was far worse than anything I had ever experienced. My sister thought it might be a hernia, because it felt better when I pushed the area and there was a small lump. However, we came to find out that the pain was referred from a massive cyst (they found something like six different tissue samples) on my left ovary. It was my first real scare that I could have cancer. They could not identify all the samples, nor could they explain why it occurred. A year later I had another surgery to remove another growth on the same ovary. It ruptured as they were taking it out and I lost 85%-90% of the left ovary. And half my chances of having viable ovum for when I decided it was the right time to have kids. Ce la vie… but at least it was not cancer. I always have to remind myself to state the silver lining. It is the tangible bit of hope in every negative situation, and it is what can propel us forward towards better understanding and positive thinking.
It is really unsettling to have these roller coaster highs and lows. It keeps me perpetually off-balance. I wish I had a better understanding of the underlying causes so that maybe, just maybe, I could enact preventive measures. Though, there is a part of me that realizes that life is just that way. And I want to live. I don’t want a perpetual state of fear and anxiety, walking around waiting for the next massive hole. The other day I was thinking about how much I wanted to just fly, but it felt like someone had clipped my wings. And it’s true. I feel grounded, chained, like someone has a gilded cage around me. And I use gilded because that’s what it is. I know I am lucky. I know I have the best parents who have supported me through this difficult time. I have opportunities in front of me and the possibility to begin again when others would be shit out of luck. But with those possibilities also come obligations. In the seat I am in, the grass truly does look greener on the other side. And that’s not good. How can I change my view? How can I begin to work positive thinking into my every day? Into my every moment? I thought I was doing good, I thought I was kicking ass, and then this week, as you have read, took its toll on me. No small wonder that the rapture ends this week. And it’s beyond awesome that next week begins with my favorite holiday in the world: LADY GAGA’S “BORN THIS WAY” DROPS! Holler! (See, looking for the positive…)