I am not sure what I think now. There is a part of me that is screaming, nay, raging. If you saw me I am not sure you would be able to identify how upset I am. The higher my anger level goes, the more calm I look on the outside. It’s what makes me so terrifying when I get angry. I look cool, calm, and collected, and then I erupt like a volcano. My family, friends, and ex-boyfriends tell me that when I reach the level of calm, the center of the hurricane, if you will, that they just want to run. I feel like the last couple of days have been just an obnoxious reminder of all these deep insecurities I have. And they have affirmed all the most negative things I think about myself. I honestly don’t know if these things would have the impact they do now if I hadn’t already been in a bad mood or been put under pressure, but in the end it doesn’t matter. I am at this level.
I am sitting and listening to crappy piano rock. It’s the song “Kiss Me Slowly” by Parachute. On repeat. It’s melodic and the lyrics are ones that would make a girl swoon, but it’s so generic that it could be considered a one hit wonder played repeatedly on American Idol or some shit. The lyrics are hammering my heart now. Of all these thoughts swirling through my head I cannot help but wonder what the hell I am doing. I want, desperately, to find a job writing. I want to go back to school and study public policy and communications. I want to round out my résumé with publications, but I have no confidence in myself. The multitude of rejections I have gotten are killing me. I boast about being able to take criticism, but there are only so many times before you want to crawl under a rock and die. I love to write and I am not going to stop, but for sanity’s sake, I just want to catch a break. Just like the thousands of other writers out there.
Add in judgement passed on me by some of the people who I love, and I just want to punch a wall. No matter how much effort I put in, I am not seeing results, and because of that, others aren’t. And there are some who dictate everything on whether there are results, not whether you are trying your hardest. I want to make something of myself. Even though now I am to the point where I would take some piss poor job just to say I have a job, just to make money. But that’s what I did at IDT and I was desperately unhappy with future prospects. I don’t want to succumb to that again.
Since coming back to the Chicago area, I have been so overwhelmed with how nice everyone has been to me. It is a great feeling when a group welcomes you and they actually respond positively to you. I have never been good at making friends. At least, I always feel like I haven’t been good at making friends. But somehow I fell into camaraderie with a group here and it feels nice. It feels familiar and like home. I have a wonderful support system with my girlfriends, too. Every step of the way they have been an ear, a shoulder, and a pair of arms to give me hugs when I need them. But I am beginning to falter there. I am beginning to second guess myself and my place. I am beginning to wonder if I am pushing myself in where I am not wanted. And if anything, this week has given me the opportunity to see that I may, in fact, be doing that. It makes me sick to think that I have forced my presence on people when they really don’t want anything to do with me. I have never had confidence in myself when it comes to relationships of any kind. That is where my mom calls me needy. I do not think I am needy in the sense that I need someone there, as in attached to someone, but I guess I am needy in the sense that I like to know that people want me or think of me. Even as friends. I like to know that someone wants to hang out with me. Or enjoyed hanging out with me. I have always been a big purveyor of the “thank you” e-mail or text. The “thank you for going to that show with me, it was so much fun!” message. Do people not do that anymore?
I want nothing more than to feel the confidence I did a couple of weeks ago. It felt like things were going so well. And now it feels like things are crumbling and I am not able to clean up the pieces fast enough. I have a weird personality where I like being alone, but I hate being lonely. I do okay being by myself or doing activities by myself. I am not good when I feel like there is no communication, or that I have become just a big annoyance. There is nothing greater than an e-mail or a text or a voicemail that says “hey, hello, I miss you.” Or a simple “thinking about you.” The simple “thinking about you” is the best. Same with “good mornings” and “goodnights.” Those say so much without saying too much. I started this paragraph saying I wanted to feel the confidence… well, fuck it. I will feel it. I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul.
“Stay with me, baby, stay with me. Tonight don’t leave me alone. Walk with me, come and walk with me, to the edge of all we’ve ever known. I can see you there with the city lights; fourteenth floor, pale blue eyes, I can breathe you in. Two shadows standing by the bedroom door, no I could not want you more than I did right then, as our heads leaned in. Well, I’m not sure what this is going to be but with my eyes closed all I see is the skyline, through the window, the moon above you and the streets below. Hold my breath as you’re moving in, taste your lips and feel your skin, when the time comes, baby, don’t run, just kiss me slowly. Stay with me, baby, stay with me. Tonight don’t leave me alone. She shows me everything she used to know; picture frames and country roads, when the days were long and the world was small. She stood by as it fell apart; separate rooms and broken hearts. But I won’t be the one to let you go, oh. I’m not sure what this is going to be but with my eyes closed all I see is the skyline, through the window, the moon above you and the streets below. Hold my breath as you’re moving in, taste your lips and feel your skin, when the time comes, baby, don’t run, just kiss me slowly. Don’t run away. And it’s hard to love again when the only way it’s been, when the only love you knew just walked away. If it’s something that you want, darling, you don’t have to run, you don’t have to go. Just stay with me, baby, stay with me. Well, I’m not sure what this is going to be, but with my eyes closed all I see is the skyline, through the window, the moon above you and the streets below. Hold my breath as you’re moving in, taste your lips and feel your skin, when the time comes, baby, don’t run, just kiss me slowly. I’m not sure where this going to go, but in this moment all I know is the skyline through the window, with the moon above you and the streets below. Hold my breath as you’re moving in, taste your lips and feel your skin, when the time comes, baby don’t run, just kiss me slowly.”