I had one of the best night’s sleep last night. For months I have combated insomnia and tension filled sleepless nights. Even if I did manage to fall asleep, I would toss and turn throughout the night feeling like something was just out of my reach. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. It was like there was this glimmer of understanding that was always curtained. I have the image of the black curtain from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in my head. Those whispers that Harry hears are like the thoughts and emotions that have haunted me. I lay wrapped up in my blankets, staring at the wall and just wishing that the questions, the what-ifs, the should-I’s and would-I’s would just leave me alone. When it feels like you boiled your life down to a single thing, it is fucking hard to walk away from it. But there lies the problem. I lacked the discipline to concentrate on making myself happy. The further I tried to dig and find out the truths behind these nagging feelings, the more I realized that I didn’t know who the hell I was. I have likes, I have dislikes, I have dreams and goals, but I was nowhere near completing them. Not only completing, I was nowhere near beginning them. My life no longer was MY life. I was no longer happy because I was no longer listening to my wants and desires. I was trying to make everyone in my life happy and I was trying to support everyone in my life. At one point I decided that I should just say “screw you” to the world and do what I wanted. The problem: I no longer knew, or know now, what I want. The avenues are there, the paths are drifting in and out of my line of vision, there are options, but I am still having difficulty taking that first step. The what-ifs are still haunting me. So why did I have such a blissful night of sleep? I can only assume it had something to do with pure exhaustion. The type that comes only after months and months of barely getting by and your body is asking you, desperately trying to show you, that you have to sleep, or nothing will be okay. So last night I wrapped myself in the Blue, completely snug to the point of almost being mummified and immobile, and finally drifted off. There were no dreams. There was no tossing and turning. There were no questions.
You would think that after such an amazing nights rest that I would have had a fabulous day and it would cash in on the high that was this past Monday, but today felt lacking. I am beginning to draw conclusions and formulate this utterly simple hypothesis: too good to be true means it’s too good to be true. When you are soaring high and you think things are finally going well, the stars are lining up, there is always something to knock everything out of alignment again. There is always “the catch”. It is that nagging thing in the back of your head, the weight on your chest, those moments where you sit there and everything goes still and you think, “Shit is about to hit the fan.” It’s the calm before the storm. I guess in my case it is the eye of the hurricane. Winds are picking up again, waves are crashing and a swirling cloud of destruction is making its way towards me.
Yes, I know I am dramatic. Or cheesy if you will. Call me Pepper Jack, then, because I do have spice.
I need to keep a positive attitude. I was doing so well this week. But, in all fairness, there are some things that need to get done that will cause anyone in my situation to have heart palpitations and tears. Like having to contact the venue you were going to have your wedding at and tell them that, actually, you no longer are getting married. The man-who-was-going-to-be-the-groom and you have parted ways, mutually, and that the next happy couple who wants that date and that time and that place can eagerly gobble up the space. I know I wrote this before, but mutual does not mean easy. It means mutual. It means that as individuals we looked at the hard-to-swallow-facts and made the decision to part ways. I just have to think positively. It is the small stone that starts the avalanche. A single positive thought has a lot of weight.
“I awoke only to find my lungs empty. And through the night, so it seems I’m not breathing. And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be, and I’m breaking down. I think I’m breaking down. And I’m afraid to sleep because of what haunts me, such as living with the uncertainty that I’ll never find the words to say which would completely explain just how I’m breaking down. Someone come and someone come and save my life. Maybe I’ll sleep when I am dead, but now it’s like the night is taking sides. With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind, could it be this misery will suffice? I’ve become the simple souvenir of someone’s kill. And like the sea I am constantly changing from calm to ill. Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole. Oh how I’m breaking down. Someone come and someone come and save my life. Maybe I’ll sleep when I am dead but now it’s like the night is taking sides. With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind, could it be this misery will suffice? Oh… in my life. Someone come and someone come and save my life. Someone come and someone come and save my life. Someone come and someone come and save my life. Could it be this misery will suffice?” – Sleeping Sickness, City & Colour.