The stars.

So I know you all think I am probably way too obsessed with Florence + the Machine.  I even colored my hair red because her color inspired me.  The song “Cosmic Love” has become almost an anthem to me lately.  I cannot get over how much I relate to her words.  The lyrics, the first time I heard the song, felt like an awakening.  They mirrored some of the emotions I had had and seemed to echo a sentiment that I had felt.  The most potent lyrics from this song are: “And in the dark I can hear your heart beat, I try to find the sound.  But then it stopped and I was in the darkness, so darkness I became.”  Later she says she makes a map from the stars in her eyes and she is going to leave, she is going to get out, she is going to find her way, but then she hears his heart beat again and she decides she will stay with him, in the dark.  There is so much in those lyrics.  So much meaning.  She is going to act for her own benefit because she needs to escape the darkness, the pain, the inability to see, but when it came to it, when she was ready to leave, she got pulled back in by the beating of his heart.  She was so entwined with him that she chose him over her own well-being and happiness.  She chose darkness and pain, she chose to stay in the shadow of his heart.  She chose the place of second to him always.

Every time she sings about making the map to leave from the stars in her eyes but then decides to stay once she hears his heartbeat, it kills me.  It fucking kills me.  This song, since first hearing it, has created this weight in my chest.  Any time I hear the lyrics, the music, the harp in the beginning, it resonates so powerfully in me.  Should I have stayed in the darkness?  Should I have followed my map out?  It’s amazing how so many small things connect.  Stars have been particularly important to me this past year.  Lyrics to two very important and meaningful songs to me use them.  They are described as being in a woman’s eyes and as a type of compass or map.  They are essentially this internal guidebook for not only the woman, but for the people who see them.  In one song the person who sees them does not want them to disappear, he will do anything to keep them in his sight, where in this song they are a guide to leave darkness and they are tossed aside for someone else’s well-being.  She stays in the darkness, even after his heart has hurt her, even after it has torn through her eyes leaving her blind to the world.  She is in darkness for him and when she resolves to get out he pulls her back in.  I believe that his heart beat has a lot of meaning and is profoundly important.  It means his emotional center, it means his mental awareness, because what it encompasses most is his life and his life force.  He brought her into darkness, left her, and then when she resolves to leave, to use a part of herself, a part that is still glowing and strong, she hears his heart beat, his life, his desire, his hope again.  And it comes at a time when she has decided to leave.  She stands there, between the light (the knowledge, the intellect, the awakening) and the darkness, the darkness that she became (the pain, the depression and sadness, the unaware) because of him.  She feels he has left her, she feels that she is always in his shadow because of this.  He is nowhere.  But when she gets the strength to leave, to create something out of herself, he pulls her back.

How does one forgive?  I know how loaded a question that is.  I am asking because there are things I want to be forgiven for, but there are also things I need to forgive.  It seems so impossible now.  But I want to forgive.  There have been times in my past where I have wanted nothing more than to hate people who have hurt me, because it is far easier to hate and blame other people than recognize how actions, thoughts, words, and behaviors hurt others.  But now, more than anything, I want to forgive.  There are actions, thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviors that are damning and they are also very painful, but I think for the first time, I am realizing that there are always extenuating circumstances that help things to snowball.  And it shames me to know that when I saw it snowballing I did nothing to stop it.  These circumstances are not excuses, they are not justifications, but they are definitely things that I should have recognized and taken into account.  And they were not only in my actions.  I find it ironic that for months and months I allowed myself to be wrapped up in rather superficial things (in the scheme of it all) but I refused to dig deeper and recognize an underlying symptom.  And the reason I was so blind to it, or willing to be so blind, was because I was enfolding myself in the superficial hurts.  I do not deny their potency, but when you tear away all the cloth, all the packaging, the heart of the matter is there, and it is beating.

I want to use the stars in my eyes to make a map home.  I don’t want this darkness.  His heart is beating, he is in the darkness too, but I can no longer be there with him or for him.  I hope he knows how to get out of the darkness.  I know he has the strength in him.  And I believe he has the desire.  I just hope he can make a map of his own.

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