Where is the color?

California is strange.  Green indicates winter.  Everything is so vibrant.  I still cannot wrap my head around that.  It baffles me every time I am outside.  The temperatures have fluctuated between nice days in the 70s to hot days in the 80s to down right cool days in the 60s.  And on each of those occasions I have something that weirds me out.  If it’s in the 70s or 80s, I can’t seem to fathom how, because it is passed November 1st.  But when it is cool, like it should be in November, then the stunningly brilliant green leaves and grass, which are even greener than September, leaves me floored.  November should be dull.  Browns and dark, dull greens, eggplant and flaming red and oranges on the trees, golden yellows and crumply leaves.  That is fall.  That is November.  That is Thanksgiving.  Or at least that is how it was/is in the Midwest, where I lived for twenty-three and a half years.  Brown is summer here, and green, rich, vibrant green, is winter.  Rain is Spring in the Midwest, summer is full of hot days, winter is frigid temperatures and vast amounts of snow and fall is a variety of earthy tones.  Not here.  Definitely not here.  So far I have experienced Fall here, and winter is to come.  Monsoon season.  I heard that there are torrential down pours or just casually rainy days that seem to eat up a week.  I am intrigued to see how these season play out.

This year we are going to Jonathan’s parents for Thanksgiving.  Making the nine-hour drive back to SLC to spend Turkey day with his folks.  This will be my first Thanksgiving eating non-homemade food as a vegetarian.  I always feel odd going into situations where others are cooking and requesting that they use No Chicken chicken broth and maybe, possibly, could they cook up a Tofurky for me.  Last year I was stuck in Iowa City, so Jonathan made a delicious feast and was extremely careful not to use any non-vegetarian cooking ingredients.  It was right after my surgery, so I was unable to travel home.  It was devastating, because I hadn’t missed a Thanksgiving for the previous 23 years of my life.  And then I was in SLC for Christmas, so the Holiday season was spent away from family.  In hindsight, it was good preparation for this, though at the time California wasn’t even a thought in our head.

I feel like tension has built in my body.  That is to say, my muscles have ached, searing at times.  They are taut, but not because of exercise.  I can’t rightfully say what has caused this.  I honestly don’t know.  I have just had these anxious feelings, a nervousness that won’t go away.  I have written, I have talked about it with Jonathan to no outcome, just this ever increasing anxiety.  It might be that the Holidays are coming.  I feel like a lot rests on these next couple of months, especially in regards to Jonathan’s dad.  Just thinking about it brings me to tears.  And I don’t want to break down in front of Jonathan.  I know it has weighed on him too.  He has woken up in the middle of the night with nightmares.  And when I ask him about what, he refuses to say anything but, “My dad.  My dad.”  I have got nightmares too.  And I wonder what they are about.  What symbolic meaning can come from them.  In it, I am in war.  I can never see my enemy, but I know they are there, I can feel them watching my every move.  And then this evil laugh starts and I can feel something rip through me, a physical wound.  I look down and see blood, but I never see who did it.  I wake up.  I don’t start, I don’t sit up breathing hard.  I just wake up and stare into the darkness.  I almost expect to see a figure, but it’s nothing but the apartment consumed.  Stress has always done funny things to the head.  And even though I am stressed, I have actively been trying to do things to help reduce it.  Maybe this fear for Dave, this sadness for him and for all those who love him, is just breaking me.  I never really had to watch a cancer patient die.  Those I knew who had cancer were not diagnosed until too late, or they were already old, and usually it only took weeks.  This hasn’t even been a year, but it seems like forever.  I keep trying to throw paint up on the wall, but it’s turning my world grey.  (That sounds so accusatory and I hate that it does.  It’s not meant to be.  It’s just a statement.)

If you get the chance, check out my music blog.  It has some entries discussing music, but I think I will be turning it more into a recommendation/review blog.


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